I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
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After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
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Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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