He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
