Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
two words...techno handjob
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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