he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
