i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
