dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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