If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
