I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.