She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.