He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows