the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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