I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
