I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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