I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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