I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
