I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
