you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
