I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
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I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
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I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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