I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
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Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
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I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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