Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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