i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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