i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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