Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
