Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
