i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
A bitchslap is in order.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
