how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
