I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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