Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
i think i just lost a toe
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
