So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
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You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
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Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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