apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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