I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
