The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
