Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
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I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
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He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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