If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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