Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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