SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
