I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
