I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
