This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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