I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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