When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
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