You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
