Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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