when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
