Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
