why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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