If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
