I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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