I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
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i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
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He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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