Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Randomize
