I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
