i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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