not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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