Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
