there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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