Plan B is the new Plan A
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize