I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
