Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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