Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
