Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
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in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
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Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???